Have you ever held it together because you didn't want anyone to know how you really felt?
It doesn't really do anyone good does it?
And usually in the end the only one it hurts is yourself.
But when your mom is going through radiation and your dad is having to support her through all of that while taking care of a family and working a full time job, then it's hard not to play it off like everything is totally cool. Because how are my separation issues even close to those problems?
But I had a little break down tonight. Living away from my family is the hardest thing I've ever had to do
First I started complaining about this mysterious itch on my legs. They basically look like a replica of a blown up mine field... or something bad like that... because I've spent the past year scratching them until they stop itching and have sores and scars. I'm so embarrassed of them that I never wear shorts and always have thick tights on with my skirts. I don't have insurance though and I've run out of medicine.
I had been staying strong though because I was going to get on my parents insurance in May (ya this May, the one that just passed).
Then I get an email from my dad letting me know open enrollment was switched to October. When I talked to him on the phone I played it off like "Eh. I've waited this long. Whateva. NBD." When really deep inside I'm punching insurance in the face and yelling "Why are you so lame! and expensive! and picky! and dumb!..."
Second, earlier today I was with my cousins and both of them asked me how my mom was doing with the latest news on her situation and I had to tell them both that they knew more than I did about it. That made me sad that I didn't even have answers for them about my own mother!
At this point I was crying... not too hard, Kyle didn't even notice next to me. So I start thinking of all these sad things that I'm holding in!
Auburrito is growing up and I'm missing her crazy hormonal teenage years. I feel like I don't really know her because as a teenager she changes all the time! I used to take her places with me and she would just talk and talk and talk on and on about this and that and him and her and I loved hearing about her crazy drama life! (even if I tuned out occasionally).
Jerm's voice is deeper than the deep blue sea and gets deeper every time I talk to him! I remember when Kyle still lived in MO I was having a really bad day and Jerm just came in a sat on my bed and rubbed my back while I cried. He will never know how much that helped me. When my siblings came for my cousins wedding a few weeks ago though, he didn't even want to hang out with me.
Colon has so much potential. His voice is deep too but it's his height that gets deeper than the deep blue sea every time I see him! He is so brave and confident in himself and I envy that. And now he's too busy to text his poor lame older sister back when I can't be there for his graduation.
seriously, who wouldn't want a dancing hot dog at their wedding?
Ang has almost been married for five years! We became so close when she got married and is now my best friend! I've lived away from her several times before but it doesn't make it any easier. I want to be close to her and have Sunday night dinners with her and her hubby and do crafts together and have long talks that start at point A and somehow end in the twilight zone!!
Every single day I constantly think about my parents. They have given me everything I could ever imagine having and blessed my life so much. And now that they are dealing with these health issues, I sit here day after day worrying about them and wishing that I could be there to make their loads lighter. I know that they are stung people and will make it through but when I know I could help in small ways if I were closer it just makes me sad sitting here not being able to do anything!
I know it doesn't help to complain, it won't bring me my family or past moments, but change is hard.
And it sucks.
I love living in Utah and I know that we are so blessed to be where we are.
Anyway. I miss my family and I need insurance.
I'm not one to complain normally because it really doesn't do good but I can't hold it all in all the time! It just weighs me down!
And hopefully if you're still reading this post you aren't completely bored... but hey, no one is forcing you to read my blog!
"Life often feels like a great pile of obligations, frustrations, and disappointments. But the Lord is there, always the same, his arms outstretched. When we feel overwhelmed, we have to remember the peace He has spoken to us on previous occasions. His peace brings comfort and strength; the world cannot give that to us." -Kathleen H. Hughes
It doesn't really do anyone good does it?
And usually in the end the only one it hurts is yourself.
But when your mom is going through radiation and your dad is having to support her through all of that while taking care of a family and working a full time job, then it's hard not to play it off like everything is totally cool. Because how are my separation issues even close to those problems?
But I had a little break down tonight. Living away from my family is the hardest thing I've ever had to do
First I started complaining about this mysterious itch on my legs. They basically look like a replica of a blown up mine field... or something bad like that... because I've spent the past year scratching them until they stop itching and have sores and scars. I'm so embarrassed of them that I never wear shorts and always have thick tights on with my skirts. I don't have insurance though and I've run out of medicine.
I had been staying strong though because I was going to get on my parents insurance in May (ya this May, the one that just passed).
Then I get an email from my dad letting me know open enrollment was switched to October. When I talked to him on the phone I played it off like "Eh. I've waited this long. Whateva. NBD." When really deep inside I'm punching insurance in the face and yelling "Why are you so lame! and expensive! and picky! and dumb!..."
Second, earlier today I was with my cousins and both of them asked me how my mom was doing with the latest news on her situation and I had to tell them both that they knew more than I did about it. That made me sad that I didn't even have answers for them about my own mother!
At this point I was crying... not too hard, Kyle didn't even notice next to me. So I start thinking of all these sad things that I'm holding in!
Auburrito is growing up and I'm missing her crazy hormonal teenage years. I feel like I don't really know her because as a teenager she changes all the time! I used to take her places with me and she would just talk and talk and talk on and on about this and that and him and her and I loved hearing about her crazy drama life! (even if I tuned out occasionally).
Jerm's voice is deeper than the deep blue sea and gets deeper every time I talk to him! I remember when Kyle still lived in MO I was having a really bad day and Jerm just came in a sat on my bed and rubbed my back while I cried. He will never know how much that helped me. When my siblings came for my cousins wedding a few weeks ago though, he didn't even want to hang out with me.
Colon has so much potential. His voice is deep too but it's his height that gets deeper than the deep blue sea every time I see him! He is so brave and confident in himself and I envy that. And now he's too busy to text his poor lame older sister back when I can't be there for his graduation.
Ang has almost been married for five years! We became so close when she got married and is now my best friend! I've lived away from her several times before but it doesn't make it any easier. I want to be close to her and have Sunday night dinners with her and her hubby and do crafts together and have long talks that start at point A and somehow end in the twilight zone!!
Every single day I constantly think about my parents. They have given me everything I could ever imagine having and blessed my life so much. And now that they are dealing with these health issues, I sit here day after day worrying about them and wishing that I could be there to make their loads lighter. I know that they are stung people and will make it through but when I know I could help in small ways if I were closer it just makes me sad sitting here not being able to do anything!
I know it doesn't help to complain, it won't bring me my family or past moments, but change is hard.
And it sucks.
I love living in Utah and I know that we are so blessed to be where we are.
Anyway. I miss my family and I need insurance.
I'm not one to complain normally because it really doesn't do good but I can't hold it all in all the time! It just weighs me down!
And hopefully if you're still reading this post you aren't completely bored... but hey, no one is forcing you to read my blog!
"Life often feels like a great pile of obligations, frustrations, and disappointments. But the Lord is there, always the same, his arms outstretched. When we feel overwhelmed, we have to remember the peace He has spoken to us on previous occasions. His peace brings comfort and strength; the world cannot give that to us." -Kathleen H. Hughes
I'm sorry to hear about your family's challenging times :( I'll keep you in my prayers! And don't be afraid to let your emotions out. If it helps any I cry all the time about missing my family ... and they're only 40 minutes away! What a baby :}
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